1 post tagged “marriage”
This past weekend I witnessed the wedding of my friend David Chao to his bride Kayla Young. The ceremony was elegant, sweet and simple, and the reception that followed was a warm gathering of friends and family. As I often do after weddings, I took some time to reflect on the events of the day and thought about what it meant for my friend to have become a married man.
Before the wedding, there were two people that were in a loving relationship with each other, and now after a 45-minute ceremony, the same two people walk out of the church building as husband and wife. What happened during that ceremony that brought them into holy matrimony? What does it mean to be "married"?
I've heard it expressed that marriage is a mere legality, and that two people in a loving relationship that have publically expressed their love for each other are practically in no different a relationship than that of a legally married couple. "We don't need a marriage certificate to declare our love for each other.", they say. Or there are others that have been in a marriage and are ready to end it, who say that marraige was just a mechanism to fulfill their desires; and now that the desires or feelings aren't there anymore, they should move on.
Although I empathize with some of the sentiments expressed, I believe marriage is much more than a mere legality, or an expression of affection that can be discarded like an old hankerchief if the feelings dissipate. As I think back to David and Kayla's wedding ceremony, I remember some of the words from their vows: "For better or for worse", "In sickness and in health", "For richer or for poorer"... "As long as we both shall live." In other words, whether the world crumbles all around them and whether or not they're feeling like rotten tomatoes, they will be there for each other to the very end. It was not an expression of their current state of affection, but a promise of their future commitment to each other, regardless of the circumstances within or without. David and Kayla became husband and wife when their vows were made. It went beyond personal fulfillment or contractual arrangement, but their vows spoke of an other-centered, life-long, unconditional commitment. In essence, they were married by a promise.
And this is where I think real love begins. It is risky to make promises. We usually like to hedge our bets and resist ever commiting to anything; much less make an unconditional life-long promise to somebody else. To make such a promise requires that we put our personal desires and dreams at risk. We cannot control how the other will behave, or whether they will continue to love us back. It is to say "I will love you no matter what" and place our hearts into the hands of another.
To be in a loving marriage is to be vulnerable. Marriage is a place where we dare to reveal ourselves fully for the sake of the other; where we allow another person to reach into our deepest parts and either love and nurture us to grow like a flower, or tear us to pieces like a pinata. It is a risky venture to walk down the aisle. But we can love sacrificially and boldly take that step because there was one who gave up everything for the sake of us. Because of what Jesus has done for you and me, we can say "I do".
"Love as distinct from “being in love” - is not merely a feeling. It is a deep unity, maintained by the will and deliberately strengthened by habit; and is reinforced by the grace which both partners ask and receive from God. They can have this love for each other at those moments even when they do not like each other; as you love yourself even when you do not like yourself. The feelings from being in love first moved them to promise fidelity. But this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. It is on this love that the engine of marriage is run: being in love was the explosion that started it." - C.S. Lewis
"Many things in life can make you happy or sad.
Marriage, however, is one of those things that can make you holy or bad." - Peter M. Lee
